my thoughts

It's one of them days...or weeks rather. It seems I type these blogs whenever i'm feeling melancholy and need to vent (complain is what I really mean). But typing these do help get things off my chest and have also helped other people too, which is awesome to hear! Sometimes I need a taste of my own medicine and when the dosage wears off I begin typing again. or try to at least. I've been staying busy and active enough but still feel as though i'm a dog chasing it's own tail. I just need to lay these thoughts out so they have somewhere else to be besides inside my head. Currently, i'd say i'm at a 6/10... not too bad I guess, just feeling indifferent. a lot of this has to do with stunt obviously but another part of it is self reflection. A big question everyone asks themselves in their life is "what's my purpose?" that's a big aspect of why i'm feeling the way I do.

I thought my purpose is building a brand, my "brand" (I can't stand that word but it is what it is) and I'm still doing that, it's just I am no longer the same person as I was 5 years ago when I started it. My ideals have changed and so have my views. Which I'm glad they have because it tells me I've matured and have grown in a different way. Not to say I don't care about what I do, I love screen printing and I love being able to do it for a living. It's just the monotony of it. I kick out new graphics all the time and get a certain "high" when I see the finished print coming down the dryer, but after that I just shrug my shoulders. I've been asking myself "is this it for me? am I going to be making silly graphic t-shirts that no one asked for for the majority of my life? Does the world really need another clothing brand?" my answer: "No".

I think about all the waste in the world and how I'm apart of that. Mountains of clothes the size of small countries. Devastating forests just to create space for a new landfill. it's so selfish of me. Obviously i'm not big enough to be the main contributor to such atrocities, That's mostly Zara, H&M, and Shein that did that shit. I want to be selfless not selfish. I hope one day I do have a good chunk of change. I really want to buy land and plant trees. I want to keep bees. I want to grow gardens. I want to leave this place better than it was when I got here. I really really hope I can. but for now I'm just doing what I can in hopes I can get to the other side of things.

Stunt is my vehicle to get me to the next level, but what if i've plateaued? what If I stay this stagnant, then what? I expected my life to move much faster but as I get older I realize how hard and slow building something from the ground up really is. I was so incredibly naive when I started stunt. I was stupid enough to think I could be this wonderkid and dumb enough to actually follow through with it. (i'm still dumb). At first Instagram was really fun and the engagement was a serotonin boost. It was an instant gratification of "Oh! people like my shit! i'm gonna conquer the world!" but now I don't want to rely on instagram, I don't want to have to constantly be posting in hopes of the instagram gods deem me worthy of the "explore page". I don't want to be grouped into the masses of other clothing brands, fighting for the attention of superficialities....I don't want an instagram, I want a Business.

The sad part of it all is I have to. I have to keep posting, for the sake of my own livelihood. The way that I see it, Instagram is this behemoth shark and i'm this puny infinitesimal Pilot fish that just catches all the scraps that it'll give to me. (Again, I must reiterate, I know how fortunate I am to be doing what I am doing, although I really don't make much at all, I am so very fortunate and hope I can keep doing it.) Now and days whenever I make a post I have a small panic attack because I know my very well being is at stake. I don't enjoy instagram, it's become this necessary evil that I have to use to literally survive. Don't get me wrong I get fine engagement or whatever but that doesn't mean shit. I'll get 1,000+ likes on a shirt and only sell like 40 of em'. Meanwhile I see brands that get 50-100 likes and they'll post themselves laying on top of a thousand packages. how does that work? Idk i'm still trying to figure that out.

Again this is just me crying like a baby, spewing the same things i've said in the last few blogs. I am getting better at not putting too much focus into what others are doing and not getting so tripped up on arbitrary numbers that show a false image of success. I create my own definition of Success. One that isn't defined by a monetary value, rather a sentimental one. I got my prints and designs in stores around the world, thats fucking wild to me, dude! I didn't ever expect any of that. I wished for it, and wanted it, but didn't expect it to actually happen. Nothing is owed to me so the fact that stunt has presented these opportunities to me have surpassed any expectation I thought possible. I didn't excel much in highschool and I didn't go to college for any sort of business degree so the fact i'm able to do some small sales domestically and abroad is a fucking trip and brings me a lot of joy. Every once and a while you have to pat yourself on the back, even though it's some small time stuff it still is significant. I hope others find these moments and reflect on them, knowing that they succeeded in something they didn't think was possible. You can't put a price tag on that.

I have noticed a lot of a relief and will continue to work on what's getting me so tripped up. I'm 27 years old now and still have plenty of plans left with stunt (and other businesses I want to create (i'm not a one trick pony)) and will continually pursue this for as long as I can. It's still is my goal to get this thing off the ground and running so don't think that think I've given up hope. Hope is one of the most important things you can hold onto. Well I guess that's my rant for today. These blogs mainly help me and I do feel a lot better now than when I first started typing so that is nice. I hope anyone reading got something out of this, even though it was more about my own struggles. Don't beat yourself up. keep your dukes up!

it's nice to be nice

-Marco